last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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