does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
