my mouth tastes like poor choices
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
