its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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