it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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