just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
