my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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