VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
