there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
