why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
