I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
