Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
