well you can't waste a boner
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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