I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
