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• (970): View more from Colorado

  Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Shut the hell up.

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• (856): View more from New Jersey

  We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.

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• (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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• (252): View more from North Carolina

  Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.

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• (561): View more from Florida

  Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night

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• (718): View more from New York

  Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by

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• (541): View more from Oregon

  I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person

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• (251): View more from Alabama

  why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I swear to god those aren't related

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• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.

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• (765): View more from Indiana

  2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.

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• (801): View more from Utah

  She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.

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• (678): View more from Georgia

  I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.

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