is your mom at the bar?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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