worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
