A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
