if i can run in heels then i can drive
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
