I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
