That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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