dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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