this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
