I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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