Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
