Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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