My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
is wine microwaveable?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
