I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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