I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i dont even know how to be here
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
