Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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