As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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