Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
