The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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