Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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