I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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