you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
