Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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