cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Can I color on your dick again?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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