Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
