We won't sleep together?
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
