it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
