Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
