one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
