so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
