I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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