Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
