i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
