I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
