I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
