And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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