Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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