half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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