I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
