so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
