you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
