He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
