Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
